Dr. Miranda Bailey's Quotes, Quips, and Wisdom

Those busy surgeons always manage to have astute observations about love, life, death, and relationships (natch). Sometimes profound, sometimes funny, but always worth remembering--so let's collect them here! (Click EasyEdit)


BAILEY: "She saved my baby."
DEREK: "I saved your husband."
BAILEY: "She saved my baby."
DEREK: "Baby trumps husband?"
BAILEY: "Yeah."
DEREK: "Baby trumps husband?!?!?!?!"

"What happens when the happy mother in there wakes up after surgery and her son isn't there to greet her? What then? How are you gonna explain that, O'Malley?"
GEORGE: "If she wakes up after surgery because my lie helped save her life, I'm okay with that, Dr. Bailey."


SYDNEY: "Chief Resident. Yeah, for next year. The one fifth year resident that rules all residents. Oh, okay, she's cute. She's acting like she didn't know about it. Cute."
MIRANDA: "I'm not cute."
SYDNEY: "I'm onto you. I'm a competitor. Grrr!"
MIRANDA: "I bite."
SYDNEY: "Oh! I'll just wait for you in the pit."


CALLIE: "Working with someone I’m married to is weird. Here, I’m his boss and his wife. At work, I’m giving him orders, in bed... he’s giving me..."
MIRANDA: "Stop! Right there. I don’t need to know this. I’m tired, I’m busy. While I will concede that you and O’Malley have some challenges to overcome, I’m asking you to remember that this day is a marathon and my mind can only hold what it needs to know, your sex life cannot be held in my mind today. Ever! It cannot be in my mind ever! Never!"
CALLIE: "Whatever."


"Dr. Stevens, I swear on my life if I hear you say 'eight million dollars' one more time..."


MIRANDA: "These are your letters of support for my free clinic. Sign them."
PRESTON: "Why do you want this clinic so badly?"
DEREK: "You're a surgeon."
MIRANDA: "Because I need something more. I know you all have your messy love lives and your secrets and your silliness, but I want more. I need something to hold on to. I need a reason to believe that medicine can do more than stitch you up and send you away. I need to believe that medicine can not only save lives, but change lives! I need... I need... to believe in something the way I used to believe in you all. Sign the papers! Sign the papers."


MIRANDA: "You didn't think of maybe telling me this morning that you were planning to step down instead of sending me on this wild goose chase?"
RICHARD: "Dr. Bailey. You need those clowns to sign off on your proposal because one of them may be Chief of Surgery in a month. It's hard to imagine, for me more than anyone, but since you're not ready for the job, one of them has got to do it for the next few years."
MIRANDA: "Me?!"
RICHARD: "It's you that's going to be Chief eventually. That's who you are. But you're gonna have to get a new chair because you're too short. You have short legs. But someday you are going to be Chief of Surgery. I wasn't sending you on a wild goose chase. I was trying to get you in a habit of doing things without me."


MIRANDA: "You paid $300,000 so that you could scrub in on this surgery?"
IZZIE: "No."
MIRANDA: "No?"
IZZIE: "I spent three... Have you seen that girl? Her life is miserable. She's desperate. She'll never have a date. She'll never wear high heels. She'll never feel normal. I spent 300 grand because it's a good thing."
MIRANDA: "I was hoping you would tell me you spent the money so you could scrub in."


RICHARD: "Dr. Bailey?"
MIRANDA: "My son was named after his son. I just need a moment."


IZZIE: "I would really like to scrub in."
MIRANDA: "Did you deposit the check?"
IZZIE: "It's my money. I should get to do what I want with it."
MIRANDA: "You get a 5 percent return on a 6 month CD? And the time we've been standing here, you could have just made 400 dollars."


CALLIE: "You know Shepherd pretty well, yeah?"
MIRANDA: "Lots of hair. Too many women. Likes elevators and long walks on the beach."


MIRANDA: "How many valve replacements have you performed in your life, Dr. O'Malley?"
GEORGE: "None."
MIRANDA: "None! And how many valve replacements do you think Dr. Hahn has performed?"
GEORGE: "That is my father!"
MIRANDA: "You're in that room as his son! You interns think you can do whatever you wanna do. Not anymore! Not with me! Which is why you are going to stay away! 50 feet away to be precise! You are going to remain 50 feet away from your father at all times today! And Dr. O'Malley, do not make me tell you again."


MIRANDA: "Stevens. You are to-"
IZZIE: "Look and not touch or speak or breathe. I got it."
MARK: "So this is the crack team, huh?"
MIRANDA: "Feel free to take one."
MARK: "How about I take the one who doesn't touch, or speak or breathe?"
IZZIE: "Great."
ALEX: "Dammit."


IZZIE: "Yang does something wrong and she gets rewarded. That's fair."
GEORGE: "Yeah."
MIRANDA: "If you thumb-suckers don't stop whining, I swear I won't show you what's behind this door. And trust me, you wanna see what's behind this door."


CRISTINA: "I'm scrubbing in on a surgery with Dr. Burke this morning."
MIRANDA: "Of course you are. Karev, Sloan. Grey, Pit. Stevens, shadow Karev. And let me remind you again of the rules of your probation."
ALEX: "I think she knows the rules, Dr. Bailey."
MIRANDA: "No touching patients, no talking to patients, no rolling your eyes at patients, or your superiors."


MIRANDA: "It's the car's fault, okay?! SUV's have blind spots the size of Jupiter! And yellin' and fightin' and placin' blame is not goin' to help your child!"


ADDISON: "I just accidently broke the news of my patient's infidelity to her fiancé."
MIRANDA: "Yet no one is questioning your competence as a surgeon."
ADDISON: "No. What?"


MIRANDA: "You know as well as I do it's not about what you look like, or your job, or how successful you are. It's about having people in your life that you love and who love you... that's all that matters."


MIRANDA: "Since when do you 'get out?'"
ADDISON: "Clearly, I'm not myself today."
MIRANDA: "Never would have figured Mark Sloan to be your type."
ADDISON: "He's not... he's not... What is he doing here? He's not supposed to be here. I can't have him here, I can't. He's supposed to be in New York. I can't function with him here. I'm a professional here, people respect me here, but when he's here I'm just... I'm..."
MIRANDA: "A woman who gets the hots for man candy and cheats on her husband."
ADDISON: "That is rude. And unkind. And completely true. And oh my God, what am I gonna do?"
MIRANDA: "For starters, you can keep your knees closed in his presence."
ADDISON: "Miranda!"
MIRANDA: "You asked. And also, you can remember, that no man, not Derek, not Mark, defines who you are."
CRISTINA: "Yours?"
MEREDITH: "This is bad, this isn't good."
CRISTINA: "You better claim them. She thinks they are mine. Claim them!"
MEREDITH: "No!"
MIRANDA: "I know it's one of you. It's always one of mine. Always."


"You can tell me... who's damn panties are on the bulletin board!?"


"I'm proud of you all. You make me proud. You reflect on me well. Grey, if you think you can keep your clothes on long enough to follow up the labs I will appreciate it."


CRISTINA: "Oh you're one to talk. Sleeping with 2 men."
MEREDITH: "Wrong. Not sleeping with either one of them. Not until I pick one. If I haven't made a decision by the end of the day, I'm flipping a coin. A girl can only hold out for so long."
CRISTINA: "And somehow I'm the dirty stripper? Huh?!"
MIRANDA: "You two have time to round or are you too busy getting naked on hospital property?"
CRISTINA: "I wasn't naked. I wasn't naked!"


"This is our son... William George Bailey-Jones."


GEORGE: "Uh, Dr. Bailey... you're having a baby."
MIRANDA: "I'm holding it in. I'll have him tomorrow. Just not now, not like this. No. I'm going home! I'm going home right now! I can't. I can't do this without my husband, I can't do this alone."


MIRANDA: "Dr. Shepherd? Where exactly is my husband?"
ADDISON: "He’s with my husband."


MIRANDA: "I could do this at home with a pair of scissors and a bucket of hot water."
GEORGE: "You know, millions of women die every year from delivering their own babies. I did NOT just say that out loud."


CRISTINA: "Which surgeon are we going to have to suck up to today?"
MIRANDA: "That would be me."
IZZIE: "Dr. Bailey?"


"I'm a surgeon. There ain't no damn slowing down."


"Yang? Why are you looking at my fat pregnant belly?"


MIRANDA: "What are you saying? I look tired, O'Malley?"
GEORGE: "No, not tired, no, you look fresh, spry, you glow. What?"
GEORGE: "Stop, now."


"You are lying. I know you’re lying. You know how I know? Cause you’re a bad liar!"


DEREK: "How goes our special super secret silent sunset surgery?, I've been practicing that."
MIRANDA: "You have too much time on your hands."


GEORGE: "Paging Dr. Karev-ian!"
MIRANDA: "What did you just say?"
GEORGE: "Um, it, it's a joke, Kevorkian, Karev-ian... Alex Karev?"
MIRANDA: "I get the joke. I just don't think it's funny. You see this O'Malley? I make one mistake with this scalpel and this man's dead. My husband, he makes mistakes at his job all the time. As far as I know he's never killed anyone but I have. And YOU WILL. Alex did. He made a math mistake and a man died for it. Run that past your accountant. See how he'd feel if every mistake he made, someone ended up dead. You don't have to like Alex, you don't have to care about him, but you damn well have to be on his side."


DEREK: "You know they call you the Nazi."
MIRANDA: "So I've heard."


DEREK: "Miranda."
MIRANDA: "Excuse me?"
DEREK: "Well, that's your name right? It's on your jacket. Fine, I'll just call you Bailey then."
MIRANDA: "You know you think you're charming... in that talented, neurotic, overly moussed hair sort of way. Good for you. But if you think I'm gonna stand back and watch while you favor her-" DEREK: "I don't favor her. She's good."
MIRANDA: "I'm sure she is."
DEREK: "You know, can I point out, technically, that I'm your boss." MIRANDA: "You don't scare me. Look, I'm not gonna advertise your extracurricular activates with my intern. However next time I see you favoring Meredith Grey in any way, I'll make sure she doesn't see the inside of an OR. For a month. Just for the sake of balance!"


"You mind moving this tail wagon? You are blocking me in."


MIRANDA: "You try spending a month locked in a room with no windows, no one to talk to 23 hours a day. See how deranged you are then."
CRISTINA: "She's a murderer."
MIRANDA: "I didn't say she wasn't. I said, try having no one to make your snarky comments to for a solid month. My guess is, you'd swallow the entire razor."


MIRANDA: [to baby] "You know I'm having' a baby too, yes I am! A little boy! Maybe you could meet him someday! How's that sound, does that sound good?" [to Cristina] "Pregnancy has not made me soft. I haven’t gone soft. I don't do soft."
CRISTINA: "Of course not, just talking to a patient."


MIRANDA: "You want to tell me what that was all about?"
IZZIE: "Nothing. He's probably just crazy or something... Bethany Whisper."
MIRANDA: "What?"
IZZIE: "Bethany Whisper. I did a new Bethany Whisper lingerie ad, he saw it in a magazine."
MIRANDA: "You had time to pose for magazines?"
IZZIE: "No, the shoot was last year, it just came out."
MIRANDA: "So, because he saw you in a thong..."
IZZIE: "No! It was not a thong!"
MIRANDA: "You're hiding out in the hallway?"
IZZIE: "I just think it might be easier if you assign another intern."
MIRANDA: "Easy is not in your job description. You are a doctor. He is a patient. He's your patient! Biopsy these! If they come back positive, I expect to see you in surgery. You're on this! You hear me?"


STEVE: "A needle!? In my penis!?!"
MIRANDA: "Well, the next step is penile infarction or gangrene, so if you want it to fall off..."


"Fools on bikes killing themselves. Natural selection is what it is."


MIRANDA: "Dr. Kent."
VISITING DOCTOR: "Yes."
MIRANDA: "I'm the surgical resident assisting you today. I know you're subbing in from Mercy West, so if there's anything I can do to help you-" VISITING DOCTOR: "Look I'm only here for one day and I don't need my ass kissed. All I need is to tell you what to do and you do it. I don't like mistakes."
MIRANDA: "I don't make mistakes."
VISITING DOCTOR: "Whatever, there's only one resident I want in my OR -- this guy they call the Nazi. Do you know him?"
MIRANDA: "The Nazi?"
VISITING DOCTOR: "He gets a great word of mouth, a stellar rep. Balls the size of Texas."
MIRANDA: "That big? Sounds like an impressively talented man, this 'Nazi."
VISITING DOCTOR: "Do you know him or not?"
MIRANDA: "Never heard of him but I'll be sure to keep an eye out."
VISITING DOCTOR: "For now you can work on smaller cases. A guy just came in to curtain three. Page me if you get confused."
MIRANDA: "I'll be sure to do that."


"McDreamy, go sit over by someone who cares."


MIRANDA: "I'm pregnant, you blind moron."
RICHARD: "You’re what?"
MIRANDA: My heart rate is 110, I’m burning 3,000 calories a day, my legs are swollen, I've got indigestion and gas. Did you know carrying a boy in your uterus means you burn 10 percent more calories than if you had a girl? Guess what I’m carrying. I tried for seven damn years and a month before my fellowship notifications the stick turns blue. Men. From the very beginning they just suck the life right out of you. I’m not leaving. I’m pregnant."


MIRANDA: "O'Malley!"
GEORGE: "Yes, ma'am?"
MIRANDA: "Stop looking at my va-jay-jay!"
GEORGE: "Yes, ma'am."


"Oh come on. All you people ever think about is how to get into somebody's pants. You're nasty. That's why you got syphilis."


"I have five rules. Memorize them. Rule number one, don't bother sucking up. I already hate you, that's not gonna change."


"Every intern wants to perform their first surgery. That's not your job. Do you know what your job is? To make your resident happy. Do I look happy? No! Why? Because my interns are whiney. You know what will make me look happy? Having the code team staffed, having the trauma pages answered, having the weekend labs delivered and having someone down in the pit doing the sutures. No one holds a scalpel until I'm so happy I'm Mary Freaking Poppins."


"This man is a whore, has always been a whore, will probably always be a whore. But I mean that's not a secret. He's not keeping it hidden. You all knew who he was before you got involved with him. And now you want to be all woe is me, he doesn't call me back, he's dating other women. He's nasty. But he's a doctor here. And a pretty good one. So let us all close OUR knees and get back to our jobs so he can get back to his job and help the people that really need it. Disburse!"